18 September 2009
Some days are bad days
I'm not going to lie. Some days are hard. Really hard. I wake up, and it is so hard to wake up, because I feel I have nothing to look forward to. The house is a mess and it is my job to clean it up. Definitely not something to look forward to. The babies started the day off cranky. Another thing not to look forward to. I feel like all I listened to today was one of them yelling/crying about the other stealing his toy, or being hungry, or wanting to go outside, or wanting me to hold him. Some days I just feel inadequate.
And the one for sure thing that would make me feel better would be to pick up my phone and call my mom. But I can't do that. I so desperately want to do that. I cry now just thinking about how much I miss her. She always knew what to say. She always took my side. She always made me laugh. I spend 80% of my day just thinking about her. Thinking about what a good mom she was. Thinking about all the time we spent on the phone. Thinking about how much she loved Noah and Eli and how she was a great grandma. Thinking about her getting sick and how scared we all were. Thinking about how strong she was and how she fought to the very end. She really was amazing. It's her birthday next week. She would have turned 50.
But at the end of the day, as I finally do my chores and the house is clean, I remember how much I have been blessed as I sneak into the boys room and see them sleep. They are so precious. Such wonderful gifts from God. I just wish she could see them now. How beautiful they are. How big they have gotten. She really would love to see them now, right now, just as they are, sleeping so peacefully.
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6 comments:
Hi Amanda- Reading this breaks my heart. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you, but I believe that your mom is with you in spirit even now. I know we haven't talked in a long time but I'm sending so much love your way. Your boys are beautiful:)
I know that Mom is looking down in on you and your family and I am sure she is very proud of the Mom you are.
Dad
Amanda,
I know how much you miss your mom, but just know that she is with you all the time. She is watching over you, Noah, Eli and Aaron and is very proud of you and them. She is enjoying watching the boys grow up and she will be there, in spirit, to comfort and guide you too. I don't know how God does it, but as time goes on, it will become easier to accept that she is gone and she is in a better place and you will meet again.
Love always,
Aunt Kim
did you go to Gordman's for those awesome Jammies!? Those look exactly like the ones I saw and told you about! I LOVE 'em! P.S.-Your momma knows your every move...she is with you more than you know...and she loves you and is very proud of you. And I love you too, and think you are an awesome mom.
Sleep=recharging!
It's difficult being a SAHM... there is no debate about that and it's even harder when things start off wrong and just keep getting worse throughout the day, but I can promise that your mom is still rooting for you and is very proud of you, I bet she is up there making sure that angels get sent to you even more often now that she can't be there, but at the same time it's not the same as a hug or a phone call from her. So I send you a hug, albeit, it can't come close to your mom's, just know you're not the only one with kids that can't seem to stay happy for two minutes haha, but somehow we get through it and someday we'll look back and realize these were the easy years (they can't drive yet)! Gotta go, JB is unraveling the plastic wrap!
I remember many days like those. Yes you finally pick yourself up and get it done, but those moments of the innocense of them sleeping make it all worth while. And I have my moments too when I just want to pick up the phone and do the same thing. It is so hard getting on without her ... but we have to do it somehow ... I just need a little more convincing myself this week... love ya
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