I don't know what it is, maybe it's the season, but I've really been thinking a lot about Mom lately. I hate that she had to die from such an awful disease. I wish I could think about her without thinking of her battle with cancer. She was such a happy, loving person. She was always thinking of everyone else and doing everything for everyone else but herself. She was goofy and ditzy and the perfect mom. I wish my memory of her wasn't tainted by cancer.
She was so good with kids. She used to go to my Aunt Laura's house once per week to help her clean and organize her house. She got to spend a lot of time with my Aunt Laura's grandkids and they just loved my mom. And my mom loved spoiling them. I wish she had more time to spoil her own grandkids. I sometimes can just imagine her playing with the boys and buying Sarah every cute outfit she could find. She would be so excited to see them.
I hate that she's gone. It's hard to believe it has almost been 3 years. Three years ago this Christmas we were celebrating our last Christmas together. We were supposed to go to Washington but we cancelled our airline tickets to spend the holiday with my mom because I was afraid it would be her last. I wish I wasn't right. I wish I was going home for Christmas to my mom and dad's house with the Christmas tree and house all decorated. I know exactly where she would have put all her decorations, and instead many of them are up at my house. It's just not the same though. She always gave the best presents and knew exactly what to put in our stockings.
I don't know how many times I've heard, "It will get easier." I just want to say that that is a lie. It doesn't get easier. I don't miss her any less. I just live my life because I have to, but it isn't easy. She was my bestfriend and she was always there for me. She listened to me cry and gave me advice whenever I needed it. She supported me through everything and loved me unconditionally. No one will ever be able to take her place. I miss her and wish for just one more day with her.
4 comments:
Amanda, this is such a heartbreaking post. I'm so sorry you had to lose her, too, and that your kids didn't have the chance to get to know her. I can only imagine how hard it must be to not be able to call her during a rough day, or laugh with her during a happy day. I'm glad your kids have a mom like you that they can look up to and love, just like you do with yours. I'm sure she's so proud of you.
Oh, Amanda, I am so sorry. I don't really know what to say that would be of comfort, but here are some long-distance hugs for you: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
This just plains sucks!!!!
Oh yes it hurts to know the ending memories, those you just try to put away and remember the good times. I remember all the Christmas's talking to her about what "the kids" were getting and how hard it was when they were getting older, even the things we put in your stockings. We will always have the best memories of her and try to carry on those traditions of how our holidays were and make them even more special .. and yes even with the ditsy .. she was always there! Bless your Christmas time and here the bells ... for the wings of our Angels ;)
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